The mushroom border that outlived a fern, a pandemic and my patience. Seven years of “getting to it.” Full obituary on the post.
Kitchen stencil horror
Documented in the field, mostly unwillingly. These are the photos I take while other people are proud. Every one of these walls was someone's idea, executed exactly as planned, which is the saddest part.
Bird-on-branch, every 30 cm, for eleven feet. Even the birds look bored. Retired at the party, with honours.
Where the border met the cabinet, the original stenciler just… squished it. The most honest moment in my house. I think about it daily.
Identical wooden pumpkins as far as the eye can see. Not stencils, technically, but the same disease. Field report pending since 2025.
Freehand, before and after
The receipts. Every “before” in this section was painted by a person who thought they couldn't. Every “after” is fifty-ish repetitions later. The wobbles stay; they're load-bearing.
Looks like a ransom note that gave up. Kept in the garage as a warning to me specifically.
Same word, same hand, 399 reps later. Todd calls it “the lemon thing.” It's the best thing I make.
Peeling since 2018. The neighbours had opinions before I even opened the paint.
Final neighbour verdict: 6–3 in favour, which for this street is a landslide. The dissenters have been noted. In pencil.
The burn barrel of honours
Selections from four years of retirement ceremonies. Each stencil served, each was thanked, each was set on fire. It's a system.
Nineteen people, forty-one retirees, one barrel. Potato salad rated “fine” by one (1) witness. Full recap.
Arrived in a lined shoebox like a casket for a very small bishop. Best eulogy of the night: “thanks for the chaos.”
The brass alphabet set, pulled back from the barrel at the last second and I would deny it under oath. Its story.
All photos mine unless noted (the party ones are my nephew's, thumb included, by policy). Colors are not color-managed, your mushrooms may vary. Want yours added to the wall of evidence? Send it in — kitchen horror and freehand triumphs equally welcome.